My girlfriend and I enjoy intimacy, but we get each other off pretty much exclusively with oral. It’s fun, but here’s the dilemma we have when we have intercourse. If she finishes from oral first, intercourse doesn’t really feel like anything to her. That makes it not as much fun for me either. If I finish from intercourse first, she gets kind of out-of-the-mood by the time we clean up. It puts too much pressure on her to finish from intercourse before me, and too much pressure is not hot for either of us. I feel bad if she doesn’t finish during intercourse and I do, which is why we usually just end up doing oral.
Any tips on what we should do?
~ Mr. MissBeingInHer
And thanks for reaching out. While most guys think having a sex life made up exclusively oral sex sounds amazing, you know that’s not the case.
Sure, oral sex is great.
And it’s a completely normal and natural form of sex all on its own.
But so is regular sex. And, let’s face it, there’s nothing quite like feeling your lover’s body moving beneath your own, her warmth wrapped around you.
So Let’s Get Down to Business
Your lady’s not alone with her struggle to get off during intercourse. A good percentage of women, some say more than 80%, can’t come from penetration alone, which is why I always recommend that you get her off before you fuck her.
And it sounds like you’re doing that, so #FistBump on being a considerate lover.
But some things can be done to allow you both to experience pleasure during intimacy via penetration.
Increase Arousal Levels
Work on increasing her arousal level before and during penis-in-vagina sex. This could include a sex toy (I’m a huge fan of the Magic Wand for pairing with sex), it could be dirty talk, or it could be a little kink.
It doesn’t matter what it is, but find a way to heighten her sense of arousal during the actual act, and she may find it more pleasurable than she realizes.
Work on Becoming Multi-Orgasmic
I’m guessing by the wording you used, your lady doesn’t currently have multiple orgasms. The word “finish” kind of sums that up. So try to change that. Things like G-spot stimulation, squirting, and loads of masturbation (and that Magic Wand I mentioned earlier) can help her train her body to become multi-orgasmic.
Although it’s not talked about nearly as much, men, too, can become multi-orgasmic. It takes some dedication, practice, and edging, but you can learn how to separate the physical event of ejaculation from the brain event of orgasm and open up a whole new world of pleasure beyond a one-off orgasm.
Change the Goal
Along these same lines, I want to recommend that you try to change your mindset about the goal of sex. The goal of sex, in my opinion, should not be orgasm. Because sex feels good even when you’re not coming. It benefits your mind and body, even when you don’t climax.
The goal of sex should be pleasure. It should be to share an intimate experience with your lover. Having an orgasm is just a bonus. Not only does this attitude allow us to actually experience more pleasure during intimacy, but it can also help with performance anxiety and delayed ejaculation.
Mix Up the Order
If intercourse seems to be the stressor, but you still want to spend some time inside her (I totally get it, believe me), then don’t leave it to the last event. No rule says sex has to follow a straight line from kissing to petting to fingering to oral to penetration to ejaculation.
So it’s totally okay to have penetrative sex, then go to oral. Or have penetrative sex and if you get off, then go to mutual masturbation or finger fuck her until she cums. Find what works for you and who cares what it looks like to the rest of the world.
The Unspoken Contract
I sometimes talk about a break in the unspoken relationship contract, a contract that we never speak of but we all kind of know exists. In marriage, I talk about it when a partner stops having sex when they were passionate before. The other partner got into the relationship with the expectation that certain things would stay the same, never expecting a sexless marriage.
But then it happens.
And that’s a break in the unspoken contract. Now, I don’t want to say anything negative about your lady, but I take my partner’s orgasm as seriously as I take my own. And while I think we should each be responsible for our own orgasm, we’re not masturbating here. We’re acting as lovers.
So if she gets off during oral, and then you have penetrative sex because that’s how you like to cum, then she shouldn’t check out, even if she doesn’t think she’ll get off again. It’s kind of selfish and not much different than the dude who doesn’t get his lady off, shrugging with an “Oh, well. Maybe next time.”
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
My last piece of advice for today is this: talk to her. Tell her about how you want to be inside her and cum in her and you want her to enjoy it and you want to make sex more pleasurable and you need her help to show you how.
If you haven’t really discussed the issue, maybe you don’t that she’s suffering from vaginal dryness. Or that you want more than a blow job (because the social world kind of tells women that blow jobs are what all men want). Or maybe she just really needs a vibrator on her clit to come from penetration.
So talk to her, Mr. MissBeingInHer. Tell her how you feel. Hell, show her this post. And explain that you want to find a solution. Then have some fun trying to find the one that’s right for you as a couple.
If you’re not sure how to start that conversation, check out this special report about the building blocks of intimate conversation.
Hope this helps!
Have a question, dear reader? Don’t hesitate to ask! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.