How do I get my boyfriend to be more kinky? My boyfriend talked himself up as into a lot of different sexual stuff, mostly BDSM related, but we have a super routine, vanilla sex life. I’m totally down with being tied up, biting, maybe even choking, even though I’ve never tried it. But he has this routine and that’s all we ever do and I’m bored. But I don’t know how to say all that without hurting his feelings. I’m used to a man taking charge so it’s weird for me to say I want other stuff because what if he doesn’t want that?

Big hugs, friend. It sucks to be in this position and feel like you’re risking what you have to get what you want.

But before we get started, I must point something out. Something I’ve learned, not from being married almost 16 years. And not from fucking men for the last 26 years. But from blogging and talking to men about sex for the last decade.

Nine times out of 10, men don’t pick up on subtlety. You can hint all you want, but most likely, he’s not going to get it. All those boys in our youth that we thought we were flirting with, all those boys that we hinted at, thinking they were picking up our signals and simply ignoring them. Nope. They never even got the message. Not. At. All.

Men, please don’t be angry at this or think it’s a put down. It’s not. Us women, while we know you can’t hear our thoughts, we still think you can. It’s weird and complicated and just know I’m not belittling you. I’m just saying that unless a woman is completely and utterly throwing herself at you, there’s a good chance you’re not going to realize it.

kneeling sub

My first suggestion is this: If you want him to be dominant, you must be submissive.

Now I don’t mean meek. Or mild. But submissive, especially in some symbolic ways. Ways in which a person who has been involved in D/s practices would recognize and understand. And which would hopefully stir his loins as soon as you do it.

I’m talking about things like sitting at his feet while you watch television. Serving his plate to him (always serve him first). Being ready in bed, naked and kneeling, back straight, eyes down, hand on the knees or behind the back. If he has a dominant bone in his body, he should respond. While I don’t have a list of submissive specific behaviors, I do have a list of “things a submissive can say” that may be helpful. And a submissive’s guide to giving head that may help beyond just blow jobs.

more kinky

Second suggestion for when you want more kinky sex: Flip the script. You be the aggressor.

When you’re getting it on in your regular Tuesday night doggy style (missionary’s saved for Sundays), switch things up and get on top. But don’t just get on top and ride him. Get on top and tease him. Run your hands up his arms, and pin them there. Give him a wicked grin. Then nip his lip. Here’s a guide on rough sex to give you some more specific ideas.

He’ll either let you play this way, which is fun as fuck. Or it’ll stir those Dom feelings and he’ll quickly flip you into submission. Either way is a win in my book.

In the BDSM scene, we call this person, the one who acts out to get a reaction from their Dom, likely punishment (which is what they want), a Brat. It’s a fun role to play. I have a bad habit, when needing dominance I’m not getting, of fighting during sex. Now, I’m not recommending this to folks. I’m just being honest. My Hubby and I have safe words in place and He knows how I act out when I just need to be held down and fucked. That comes after years of experience and communication and miscommunication and all that. But none the less, I fight Him. And pretty much force Him to hold me down and take care of business.

dominate man

Third suggestion: Watch some kinky porn.

And start playing with his cock while you’re watching it. Or better yet, touch yourself a little bit. Show him what you’d like to try. And use your words (I know it’s hard, believe me I know, but try to use them) and say, “That spanking scene turned me on more than I thought it would.” Or “Fuck, I think I’d really like to have my hair pulled like that.” Or “She came so hard when he was choking her. I wonder if I’d cum like that, too.”

Years ago, I had a situation happen similar to this, although porn wasn’t involved. In the kitchen, actually. We were cooking dinner and He’d smacked my ass when He walked by. And, fuck, had I been wanting Him to smack my ass during sex for months. Like I was trying as hard as I knew how to get Him to spank me without coming out and flat out saying it (which is totally what I should have been doing).

And I turned and looked at Him and was suddenly like, “Babe, why is the only time you spank me when we’re not fucking?”

And He looked at me kind of stupefied for a moment. “You want to me spank you when we’re fucking?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t mind it.”

“Well, okay then,” he said with a nod and a smile. “Noted.”

more kinky

Fourth suggestion: Plan a special night.

Maybe Valentine’s Day. Maybe an anniversary. Or just a Friday night without the kids because it was a long-ass work week. Be cute, with maybe some stockings and garters underneath a dress that makes you feel like a hottie. Get dinner out (or take out since it’s COVID). And when you get home and make your way to the bedroom, have some toys laid out. Maybe some leather cuffs. A spreader bar. Or some nipple clamps. Or whatever it is that you think would turn both of you on.

He’s definitely not going to say no at that point.

Fifth suggestion: Perhaps the hardest of the bunch, talk about it.

Outside the bedroom. With your clothes on. And instead of saying, “I’m bored.” Or “I don’t feel special because you did this with others and you’re not doing it with me.” Say something along the lines of “I want to take our relationship deeper.” Or, if he does have a Dom in him, something along the lines of, “I want to really be yours. In every way.”

If you haven’t already read my Improve Your Sex Life: A conversation with your partner that will get you the sex you want, check it out. Click here to get a free copy (fyi, it also signs you up for my weekly newsletter).

dominant man

What if he doesn’t want that?

As far as being concerned that he’s not going to like doing something different, remember, he’s the one who told you that he was into BDSM. So please don’t worry about that. You already know he’s kinky so he’s not going to start throwing holy water on your or anything. Even if you don’t know if he’s kinky, none of these tips are too crazy. And a new variety in your sex life is always arousing. Chances are it’s going to turn him on and get him excited, even if his brain is in a bit of a twist.

And he should understand how safe, sane, and consensual works. He should also know that “my kinks are not your kinks and that’s okay,” which basically means that as long as someone’s kink meets the safe, sane, and consensual checkmarks, then we’re not judging on what someone gets off on.

And if I like to be spanked but my partner’s into roleplay, then I’m going to give roleplay a try and I’m going to expect that he gets ready to redden my ass. Because as long as it’s within each other’s limits, we’re here to explore and grow with each other and make one another experience pleasure and make them fucking cum.

I hope this was helpful! And, dear reader who asked this question, if you’d like more specifics or to chat sometime, just hmu. You know how. xoxo.


0 Comments

Leave a Reply

Avatar placeholder

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Reclaim Your LibidoJoin the waitlist!

Your Best Sexual Self is launching a four-week course that walks you through improving your libido, step-by-step.

Get on the waitlist today to learn more about the course and be the first to know when it launches in October!

You'll also be signed up for my weekly newsletter.

%d bloggers like this: