Check out this reader’s questions, all about how a dominant man can navigate the modern #MeToo world.
Hey Molly,
From a guy´s perspective, it seems culture is changing very rapidly. The #MeToo movement (which I totally understand and support) proposes that relationship dynamics, where a guy is in a dominant position, needs to end. At the same time, women like movies like 50 Shades. This leaves guys in a weird place – how do you approach and initiate intimacy / sex (that isn´t totally vanilla) with a new partner, someone you don´t really know yet very well.
~A new subscriber
A special thank you to this reader, as this is a super important question.
Because I feel your dilemma. I do. But I don’t think it’s as complicated as it first appears.
So let’s break it down.
We have two seemingly conflicting facts.
The #MeToo movement and being a Dominant man.
Photo by Mihai Surdu on Unsplash
Let’s start with the first.
What does the #MeToo movement represent? Truly? Dig deep. What does it mean?
To me, the #MeToo movement is a liberation for women (and men) who’ve been the victim of boundary violations. It gives those who’ve been sexually assaulted and harassed, at any level, a place to know they’re not alone. To be able to speak of their trauma. To say, “Yes. This happened to me, too. I understand.”
It’s happened to so many of us. Too many. Because for most of history, we’ve been guilted into shame for someone else’s crime.
So we have the #MeToo movement.
Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash
And then we have the dominant man.
I live with a dominant man. One who is, in many ways, a Dominant with a capital D. I often call him Daddy or Sir. That’s my case, and I understand it is not necessarily the norm.
But I’m also a sex educator and coach. Which means I talk about sex. A lot. And a lot of people talk to me about sex, whether they’re clients, friends, or associates. And many women, not all, but many, like a lover who takes control and, for lack of a better term, manhandles them.
Many women have so much they must keep control of in life… as women… wives…. girlfriends…. daughters…. professionals… mothers…. grandmothers… sisters… friends… that we almost ache to sometimes just give it up to someone we can trust to handle the situation.
And when that can happen in the bedroom… Well, I may ruffle a few feathers, but I say that can be fucking amazing.
It’s erotic and hot and natural.
But regardless of my beliefs on the why, many women enjoy a dominant man who can take control, give them what they need, and basically, fuck the shit out of them.
I, personally, do not see a conflict between the two givens:
(1) the #MeToo movement and
(2) a dominant man.
And here’s why.
A good man, and especially a good Dom, knows…
The number one rule is consent.
Photo by Samantha Sophia on Unsplash
And if we go back to the first premise, that the #MeToo movement exists, it exists because people have crossed boundaries. Because people did things that they didn’t have consent to do.
And if you’re the kinky type, then consent should be something that you engage in all the time. Because let’s come back to the three main principles. If it’s safe, sane, and consensual, it’s good. Period end.
Safe.
Sane.
Consensual.
And if you stray away from vanilla at all, then those should be principles you live by.
And if you have consent. And you have structures in place to ensure that if someone’s willingness to play starts to waiver (by which I mean safe words and signals), then boundaries won’t be violated, and it’s not sexual assault.
No questions asked.
On the surface, I can see how these ideas conflict. But in reality, they don’t.
To turn it back to the question at hand, what’s a dominant man to do with a new lover? You get consent. You ask. Set boundaries beforehand and check in during play. You ensure that your partner is having a good time and trust that if they’re not, they’ll let you know.
For some folks, this is just an honest discussion in intimate communication. For others, it may be more formal, such as a yes, no, maybe list. For those who are advanced in the game, it may even mean a contract.
But the most important piece is that each of you feels comfortable and safe enough to speak up when things go awry. And if one of you doesn’t feel that way, should you be fucking anyway?
I help this helps, new subscriber!
And for the rest of you, if you have any questions you’d like answered, don’t hesitate to email me at molly@yourbestsexualself.com.
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