In case you missed it, here’s my latest YouTube video, this one filled with real talk about what happens in a sexless marriage.
If you’re not into YouTube, here’s the basic gist.
I survey my audience. And that allows me to learn about what y’all want. What’s tripping you up in your sex life and in your relationship and what I can help with.
And often, these surveys can lead to discussions with my members of my audience. And here’s what I’ve learned about sexless marriages.
Particularly sexless marriages where the woman has lost her libido.
So, one partner doesn’t want sex, it leads to the other partner always having to initiate sex. And, after some time, a percentage of those attempts to initiate sex end up with him (or her) being rejected. The more rejections that occur, the less the person is going to attempt to initiate sex, because no one wants to be rejected by their partner.
That never feels good.
And time goes by and sex becomes less and less. And eventually it goes away. Or goes down to once a quarter or some bullshit. And one partner feels like they have to beg for sex. Or they feel like they’re a charity fuck. And, again, no one wants to be a charity case and no one wants to beg for affection and intimacy.
So eventually the partner who does want sex stops asking.
And they become resentful.
They’re hurt. Rejected. And anger festers.
Because this isn’t what they signed on for. This isn’t what they thought was in the contract. They thought they’d have this awesome and rewarding sex life with their partner and that just didn’t happen.
And then, at least from what I’m seeing, one of two things happens.
One: He Just Bears the Anger.
He doesn’t stray. He doesn’t leave. No, he just becomes a disgruntled man, angry and sad and pretty much just pissed off that this is how it all ended up. He’s basically miserable, and bearing it just because that’s what he thinks he’s supposed to do.
Or Two: He strays.
He may not even want to cheat. Fuck, he may just get a happy ending at the massage parlor. But he (or she) strays because they need that sense of intimacy. Of passion. Of togetherness that occurs with sexual intimacy. The sexual intimacy that he thought would happen with his spouse when he said “I do,” but didn’t.
So he seeks it out. And takes it in whatever form it ends up manifesting in his life.
So what’s that all mean?
It means if you’re under the age of 70 and you’re in a sexless marriage, and you’re okay with it, chances are your partner, regardless of their gender, is miserable. And maybe, sadly maybe, straying in some fashion.
So what do we do about it?
If you’re a woman who’s lost her libido, figure it out. Talk to me (email me at firstname.lastname@example.org). If you’re on a hormonal birth control (like the pill or the shot or Norplant or certain IUDs), talk to your OB/GYN about your low libido because some birth control can do horrible things to your libido.
Whatever you do. Figure. It. The. Fuck. Out.
If you want to have sex with your partner, but your mindset is fucking things up, talk to your partner. Hell, again, talk to me! Let that shit go. Realize that having a good sex life is a vital part of a healthy marriage. Find a solution. Seek to fix it. Because you can.
While this isn’t a fun topic, it’s an important one. One that very well may be a big deal to your partner, even if you don’t think it is. Because there is so much pleasure out there to be had. So much pleasure you can bring to your marriage and to your bedroom.
Because when things are going good in the bedroom, then chances are things are going good outside the bedroom as well. Because when we have our physical and emotional needs met by our intimate partner, it makes life so much better.
Know it can get better. You just have to try.