I talk to a lot of folks about sex. Men. Women. Non-binary.
And I’m always surprised when I hear people, mostly heterosexual women, who tell me they don’t experience a whole lot of pleasure with sex. Few orgasms. Little physical joy outside of those sporadic highs.
I’m not surprised because of their experience. I know the statistics. I know the facts. Many, many women struggle with reaching orgasm. And many don’t even know if they’ve ever orgasmed. So it’s a problem. One I’m well aware of and that many of my clients struggle with.
But the surprise comes because, in many cases, there are easy fixes. A few hints. A couple tips. A special technique or two. And suddenly, the next time I talk to her, she tells me that she’s finding her pleasure.
I share that because I want you to know that there’s hope. I want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with you or your body. I want you to keep trying and to find a solution. Because you can experience more pleasure. You just need to know how.
And here is how you get started:
1. Make pleasure the goal.
The fact is, when you’re trying to get off, and it becomes harder to reach orgasm. You’re concentrating so hard on making it happen, that you’re not really enjoying the journey of getting there. Which you kind of have to do if you want to reach the destination. So stop “trying” to get off and just try to find what feels good.
2. Quit faking it.
A faked orgasm is nothing but a lie that reinforces the wrong behavior. It’s a lie, even if well intended. And it does no good. Not to your libido. Not to your partner’s sexual ability. And, when you have to own up and tell him that you’ve been lying this whole time, it’s sure as hell not going to help his ego. So just stop. Today. No more. Not if you really want to start experiencing climatic pleasure.
3. Masturbate more.
Like all the time. =) In all seriousness, a few times a week, set aside an hour or more. Learn different ways to masturbate, and then set out to seduce yourself. You don’t have to cum, you just have to feel good. Take your time and start learning about how your body responds.
4. Practice mindful sex.
If you struggle to orgasm, you have to get out of your head and into your body to find your pleasure. And there’s no easier way (or perhaps no way at all) than engaging in some mindful sex. To let nothing distract you but your lover and their body.
5. Take your time.
Do you know that it takes 20 plus minutes of foreplay for most women to reach a heightened enough level of arousal to climax? For men, it’s less than 5 minutes. And that means that in many, many cases of love making, women are headed toward penetration way too early. So slow down. Hold off on the dickin’ for a bit. And let the pleasure build.
6. Opt for some mechanical assistance.
If you have trouble climaxing, consider adding in a sex toy. And if you try one and it’s meh then try another! There are hundreds of amazing orgasm-inducing toys out there and one of them will help you reach climax. The Vibratex Magic Wand is a good first choice (use a washcloth as a barrier if it’s too strong), and for those of you who feel indifferent to vibration, consider the Womanizer Pro, with its unique pulsating suction.
7. Ask for help.
Sometimes, you need more direction and support than a blog post can provide. If you’ve tried everything and are still struggling to orgasm, reach out for a complimentary coaching session. While one coaching session may not solve the problem, I’ve see it be enough in the past. So what do you have to lose? Email me at molly@yourbestsexualself.com to schedule yours!
It’s time to prioritize your pleasure. With these tips and a little bit of personalized guidance, you never know what you may experience!
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