If you’ve been around here for any length of time, or studied much about how to be enjoy sex more, you’ve likely come across me or someone else talking about mindful sex. 

And, yeah,that’s becauses  mindful sex is important. It keeps us present, focused on what’s going on between the sheets, and allows us to feel more pleasure. Basically, it’s what keeps our head in the game instead of thinking about our never-ending to-do list or what groceries we need to pick up.

That’s all nice to know, but it can be pretty useless if you don’t know how to do it. And if you haven’t practiced mindfulness in other areas, such as yoga or meditation, it can be hard to even know where to begin!

But don’t fret! I’m here to help and give you this guide to mindful sex, with everything you need to be more present in life and when you’re getting it on.

What Mindfulness Is. And What It Isn’t.

Many folks, when they think of mindfulness, think of “not thinking.” They believe being mindful is letting the mind be blank. And while that may be the ultimate goal, it’s not quite so simple. 

Mindfulness is being aware of your thoughts and making an intentional effort to not focus on anything but the current moment. 

Yoga improves sex life

Before COVID, I used to teach yoga. A lot. And each practice, as we would reach the end of our practice and settle into shavasana, our final pose of the day, I would remind them, “As we slip into this moment of peacefulness, let your mind and body relax. Sink into your mat… 

“Let your mind quiet. If thoughts arise, don’t fight them. Don’t judge them. Simply recognize them and set them aside.”

That, my friend, is mindfulness. It’s paying attention to the thoughts that arise. Seeing them. And intentionally letting them go.

Mindfulness is non-judgemental.

It doesn’t see something as good or bad. It just sees it. 

And as simple as it sounds, practicing mindfulness has amazing effects on the body and mind. It’s been shown to:

  • Increase happiness
  • Decrease depression and anxiety
  • Improve coping with chronic pain
  • Lower chronic and acute stress levels

While all these are great, phenomenal really, mindfulness has also been shown to increase libido and arousal levels. It can enhance pleasure. Increase the frequency of orgasms. Make you feel more intimate and connected. 

It can change your sex life and make it truly mind blowing!

Mindfulness Takes Practice.

Being mindful takes practice. And before you can do it effectively in the bedroom, you need to be able to do it outside the bedroom. But it doesn’t have to be inconvenient or take a lot of your time, as mindfulness practice is easy (and beneficial) to incorporate into your daily life.

You can practice mindfulness pretty much anywhere at any time. Do it while taking the dogs on a walk or while playing with your kids. Practice in the shower and when you settle into bed for the night. Hell, practice it while taking a shit. 


Again, mindfulness is simply paying attention to your thoughts, not placing judgment upon them, and letting go of any of those that don’t involve the current moment. You notice your thoughts. You don’t focus on them.

Let me give you an example. You’re kissing your partner, and things are starting to get hot and heavy. He smells good. And the hand that’s moving up your back is creating all sorts of feelings in your groin. You deepen the kiss and your partner lets out a moan, that makes you weak in the knees.

This is mindfulness.

A moment later, just as a hand grazes across your hips, you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket. You ignore it, of course.

But then you remember the meeting from earlier today. And that your boss said they were having a few marketing meetings and then going to touch base with you later in the day.

And now it’s later in the day. And you should really check the phone because this marketing plan is a big deal and already past the deadline.

And suddenly you’re no longer thinking about the person in your arms, and your mind is on something not here in the moment with you.

This is not mindfulness.

This is distraction.

In this situation, you can continue to be torn, your mind one place, your body another. You’re kissing your partner, but you’re thinking about work. 

Or you can recognize that your mind went somewhere. Don’t get mad about it. Don’t be hard on yourself. Just recognize it. And set it aside. If it’s important and needs to be dealt with immediately, such as a 911 call from the office or a crying child, then pause, go deal with the distraction and then come back when you can be fully present.

Without this regular practice of recognizing your thoughts, of what you’re focusing your mental energy on, and then intentionally making a decision to let it go for now or deal with it, it can be difficult to accomplish. But if you start paying attention, it becomes much, much easier.

What Happens When We’re Not Mindful During Sex.

In much of the modern world, sex has become a performance-driven activity. It’s about orgasm. Reaching climax. It’s about putting pole D into slot C. It’s about lasting long enough or getting your partner off.

And while those things are all great, that’s not what mindful sex is about. When we engage in mindful sex, we are there to be present in the moment, to connect with our partner in the moment, and to experience what there is to experience. To lose yourself in your body’s sensations and your and your partner’s pleasure.

When you’re not there and not being mindful during sex, it’s easy to get distracted. Your mind wanders, or worse, you end up engaging in spectatoring.

Spectatoring was termed by Masters and Johnson and describes the act of thinking about what you look like during sex or focusing on how you are “performing.” For instance, in cowgirl position, maybe you get distracted because you’re worried about what your breasts or your tummy look like. Or maybe you’re worried about “doing it right” and not actually paying attention to what you’re doing and what it feels like.

And spectatoring is not hot. It’s not sexy. And it doesn’t make you a better lover. Instead, it distracts you from the actual love making you’re engaged in and takes you out of your body where you can’t experience the sensations that are actually occurring.

And the fact is a distracted lover is never a good lover.

What Is Mindful Sex?

Mindful sex happens when you’re totally immersed in your body and the physical sensations surrounding it. You are in your body and your mind is focused solely on the present moment. And on your body and your partners and the things that are going on between the two. 

When distracting thoughts arise, you recognize them and are able to set them aside, let them go, and bring yourself back to the present moment.

When we’re able to do this, get lost in the moment, and be fully present in your body, sex becomes something magical. It becomes a full-body experience. It leads to connection, intimacy, and pleasure all around.

Mindful Sex couple in bed

Mindful sex creates is what creates  “mind-blowing” sex.

And can take the great to the extraordinary! But it only happens when you’re fully immersed in the moment and you’re not thinking about anything else but the person in front of you and the sensations created between you.

And studies show that when people practice mindfulness in the bedroom, it leads to a plethora of benefits, including:

  • More pleasure
  • Stronger intimacy
  • Improved self confidence
  • Increased ability to intuitively understand your body
  • Stronger and more frequent orgasms
  • For some, sex became an almost spiritual experience

What’s more, mindfulness may even be able to help with certain types of sexual dysfunction, such as ED, hypersexuality, and sexual distress. It may also improve female sexual dysfunction, desire, arousal non-concordance, and reduce anxiety and fear associated with sex.

Ways to Have More Mindful Sex

You sex life doesn’t need to be in shambles to practice mindful sex. These practices can massively enhance anyone sex life and bring more pleasure! 

Create a safe space.

To start, make sure you and your partner have a safe space to communicate about sex in a real and honest way. You and your partner need to be able to tell each other what feels good and what doesn’t, your desires, wants, and needs. And you need to be able to do it without shame or guilt or fear of how the other person will respond.

Making talking about sex with your partner before, during, and after, the norm.

Take time to decompress.

Chronic stress is a cock block, plain and simple. It kills your libido and keeps you distracted. So take some time before your play date to relax and decompress. Maybe you do a quick meditation. Maybe you do some gentle stretching.

You can also build a routine that helps you let go of the day’s stressors and start to draw your attention into your body. Start with a hot shower or soaking in the tub. When you’re done, use a lotion or moisturizer you love.

Maybe you eat a delicious dinner with your lover or share a bottle of wine. Or you give each other massages. But make a routine dedicated to transitioning from your work/parent/life role and into that of a sexual being.

Let go of expectations.

When you’re mindful, you’re in the moment and not focused on the future. And when you’re not focused on the future, you let go of expectations. You simply experience what is happening.

And when you let go of expectations, you’re likely going to have better sex. When you have no expectations, you’re not worried about the future, you’re not worried if you will or won’t have an orgasm. You’re simply experiencing pleasure in and with each other.

Make your bedroom a sanctuary.

To allow you to get lost in the experience, create the right setting. Your bedroom should be a sanctuary where you can escape from the day, relax, and unwind without distractions. Where you can get lost in pleasure with your lover.

In my house, my bedroom is off limits to my children. They know they are not allowed to hang out there and are only allowed to enter by invitation. We learned our lesson when we got busted doggy style by our then-three-old who snuck into our bedroom and innocently asked, “Daddy, what are you doing to mommy’s butt?”

Your boundaries may look different than mine, and that’s fine. But I want to encourage you to set limits on who can enter your bedroom at will and when.

Beyond the privacy factor, fill your bedroom with sensuous things. Sheets that are soft or satiny. Have lighting you can dim. Burn incense, candles, or essential oils. Make it a place that allows you to easily fall into eroticism.

Connect with your breath.

Anytime you notice you’re not being present in the moment, reconnect with your breath. Take a deep breath, hold it for a moment, and slowly release it. Pause at the bottom and repeat the process.

Focus on the air filling your lungs, then emptying from your lungs. After three or more breaths, feel your body begin to relax. Really feel it.

Flood your senses.

While continuing your deep breathing, guide your attention to the sensations you’re experiencing. Feel the warmth of your partner’s skin radiate into your palm. Take in their smell. Hear the sounds that leave their lips. 

Let these sensations flood your body and mind.

Make it your own.

All of that is important. But what matters most is making it your own. Being in your body and openly communicating with your lover about what you experience and what you desire. Make the experience your own. Lose yourself in it.

Because when you have mindful sex, you tend to have some really great sex. And it’s the kind of sex you remember for the rest of your life.

If you want to learn more about how to ignite your sex life, download my lover’s checklist and begin to expand your experience.


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