Is faking orgasm ever okay? I’d like to say no. No. No. No. Watch the video to find out why!
As always, if you don’t do the whole YouTube thing, keep reading!
Lots and Lots of People Fake Orgasms.
So while the general population doesn’t seem to have an issue with faking orgasm, I sure do! And here’s why.
1. Faking an orgasm reinforces the wrong thing.
When you fake an orgasm, you tell your partner that what they’re doing is working. You tell them that what they are doing is getting you off, when in fact, it’s not. So the next time you end up in bed, your partner is going to do the same thing they did last time, because as far as they know, that thing worked. But you know that it didn’t work. So now you’re in a situation where you need to fake it again, just to cover up your faking it from the last time. And then you create a downward spiral of fake orgasms that ends in a big fat pile of frustration and resentment.
2. Fake orgasms diminish the value of your pleasure
When you fake orgasms, you devalue your own sexual pleasure. Now, I say all the time that sexual pleasure doesn’t have to come from orgasm. Orgasm is the icing on the cake, right? But when you fake it, when you tell your partner you’re getting off when you don’t, you undermine the importance of your own pleasure. You basically say that your partner’s ego is more important than your own sexual experience, and that’s never a good thing.
3. Fake orgasms are lies
If we want to have an open and honest and trusting relationship with our partner, then we shouldn’t lie. And a fake orgasm is a lie. You may think it’s a white lie, but a lie is a lie is a lie.
How Many People Fake It?
Research shows that a whole lot of people fake orgasms.
Almost all women have faked an orgasm at one time or another (and yes, that includes me). So the majority of us, have lied to our sexual partner about our own pleasure at least once or twice.
And then there are women who fake orgasms on the regular. And there are women who fake orgasms every time they have sex.
But women aren’t the only ones who fake orgasms. Up to one-third of sexually active men admit to faking an orgasm at least once and some fake it all the time.
Why Do People Fake Orgasm?
People fake orgasms for all types of reasons. Mostly, though, it’s because they struggle to reach orgasm and they don’t think it’s going to happen. So maybe your lady is super tired. Maybe she’s somewhere in her cycle that makes it more difficult to cum. Maybe he has delayed ejaculation and is concerned his partner is getting sore. Maybe she is getting sore!
Faking Perpetuates the Myth of the Female Orgasm
The world likes to tell us that it’s hard for woman to orgasm. That the female orgasm is this mystic thing that requires chants and alters and some times sacrifices to immerge. And that’s simply not true.
If we could normalize female masturbation, destigmatize teaching people how to give and receive pleasure, and eliminate the guilt and shame too many associate with sex, then the orgasm gap would disappear.
Because we know the female orgasm isn’t really a mystery. We know that because the orgasm gap doesn’t exist in lesbian couples. Women aren’t faking it when they’re having sex with other women, they’re only faking it with men.
And so it continues to create this divide amongst the sexes and tells us all, men and women included, that the female orgasm is hard to achieve. And it’s that myth, that lie about the female orgasm, that actually makes the female orgasm harder to achieve. And makes it more likely for a woman to start faking orgasms.
Your Partner Wants You to Experience Pleasure
Any decent lover wants their partner to get off during sex. They want to make you feel good. They want to make your breath catch and your back arch and your toes curl.
They don’t want you to pretend that you’re getting off. They want you to actually experience pleasure. So sometimes, the best thing to do is let go of the pressure to reach orgasm.
After all, sex can be pleasurable without orgasm. And, in my professional opinion, orgasm should never be the goal of our sexual encounters. Sure, it’s nice when it happens. And in a perfect world it could happen all the time. But it shouldn’t be our goal. It should be the bonus.
We Can’t Be Sex Positive and Fake It
I’m an advocate for sex positivity. And to truly be sex positive, we have to be open and honest. Especially when it comes to what feels good and what brings us pleasure. We can not be sex positive while we lie to our lovers by faking orgasms.
And perhaps this is my biggest thing. We need to make the world a more sex positive place, but we can’t do that if we’re not authentic in our experience.
Is It Ever Okay to Fake Orgasms?
I’ve only experienced one situation where I did not dissuade someone from faking an orgasm. I was coaching a couple who were getting back together after a breakup. While their sex was enjoyable, the woman struggled to reach orgasm, mostly because she had too much on her mind.
When she didn’t get off, her partner got upset, which would complicate things even more in their already complex dynamic. So she started faking it.
I voiced my concern, but I understood her reasonings. And within a few months, when their relationship stabilized, her orgasms returned without issue.
So does the end result justify the means? I don’t know. I can’t answer that for you. All I can say is that being open and honest pretty much always trumps lying. And a faked orgasm is a lie.
How to make the change?
If you’ve been you faking orgasms, your partner’s going to wonder what the hell happened when you suddenly stop. Yes, this will be a hard conversation, but it needs to happen. Be open and honest and offer solutions on how to make it better. Start by downloading my special report on the building blocks of communication!