This week’s reader question is all about controlling those sexual urges!
Dear Molly, I am a young man and probably going through some changes mentally and physically, but how do I distract myself from fantasizing about sexual things? I’m attracted to women , especially those from ages 35 – 45 and get totally distracted! Please help! ~ Too Horny in Dubai
Hi Too Horny,
And thanks for reach out. Before we get into your “problem,” I want you to know that thinking about sex and fantasizing is a normal and natural thing. Even if it includes being attracted to older women. Or liking feet. Or whatever. All of it’s pretty damn normal.
All that being said, sometimes thinking about sex can be a pain. Especially if you have a high libido. It can be totally distracting and make it hard to concentrate on important things like school and work. Sometimes it can also make us feel guilty, especially if we’ve been told:
- Sex outside of marriage is wrong
- Masturbation is wrong
- Sex and masturbation are dirty
- People who enjoy sex are sluts
- Anything but missionary between a man and woman is wrong
But here’s the thing. As long as sex is safe, sane, and consensual, it’s all good. For real.
It’s also completely normal for random thoughts about sex to appear at inconvenient times. But don’t fret! There are some things you can do to get your sexual urges under control and feel better about yourself and your sexuality.
First, you need to understand that desire, arousal, and sexual urges are normal and nothing to feel bad, guilty, or ashamed about. So read some books or watch some TV shows that show similar sexual desires as yours to help you understand that it’s normal and make it feel less deviant.
Some good movies that feature a younger man and older women include:
- The Reader (it’s a great book, too!)
- The Good Girl
- The Graduate
- I Am Love
- The Door in the Floor (the book is better and it’s called A Widow for One Year)
Although I’d recommend not turning to porn for this, if you do, make sure it’s ethical. The easiest way to do that is to indulge in female-friendly porn.
A lot of us grew up being told masturbation was wrong or sinful. But let me tell you, God has a lot more important things to worry about the a little bit of self-pleasure that harms no one.
So if you’re completely distracted by your sexual urges, then go rub one down! And enjoy every damn minute of it!
Set Thoughts Aside
When inappropriate sexual thoughts to bubble us at bad times, acknowledge them and set them aside to deal with latter. This may sound difficult at first, and it is. But it gets easier with time, especially when you practice different aspects of mindfulness, whether that’s meditation or yoga (this acknowledge and then set aside is actually something I tell my yoga students all the time during shavasansa).
Don’t repress or suppress the thought. That’s only going to cause negative sexual emotions surrounding sex, and likely won’t at all help with control your sexual urges. Instead, set it aside and come back to those thoughts at a more appropriate time when they’re less distracting.
Think About Baseball
Or whatever the common, non-sexy sport is in Dubai. Actually, think of whatever it is that is the complete opposite of sexy for you. Maybe grooming your dog. Or, even better, cleaning up cat litter.
It doesn’t necessarily need to be THAT extreme, but having a go-to list of non-sexual things to think about, from chess to snowboarding, can be a big help when you’re trying not to pitch a tent in the middle of a presentation.
Distract Your Mind
If changing your thoughts don’t seem to make a difference to quell your sexual urges, then be a little more proactive and give yourself a diversion. Do a crossword puzzle. Go for a walk.
Pick up the phone and call grandma. Or study for a test. Or do some pushups. Get your body involved in distracting your mind.
Don’t Be Too Hard On Yourself
The fact is you’re human. And therefore wired to think about and desire sex. Don’t beat yourself up about it, regardless of what your partners have taught your or your religion.
You only really need to worry about controlling your sexual urges when they become overly distracting or start to interfere with functioning or your relationship.
Hope that helps!
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