Whether you already know you’re kinky or just started dating someone who’s into power exchange, it can be hard to come up with ways to act dominant into your relationship beyond rough sex and some well-timed spanking.
But it doesn’t have to be hard or overly elaborate (although it totally can be if that’s your thing).
Collaring can be symbolic to some couples and just for play in others. Regardless of where you stand, collars can add a new level to your D/s play and make each of you better fall into your roles. And remember, it doesn’t have to a collar. It can be a necklace. A bracelet. A ring. Whatevs. Gifting your submissive a piece of jewelry can show how much you care and that you want to show the world that they’re yours.
2. Use pet names
It doesn’t have to be Master and slave if that feels too cliche or intense. In my house it’s either Sir or Daddy and toy. These names can often develop naturally, but if there is something specific you’d like your lover to call you, act dominant and speak up!
3. Start rituals and rules
Rituals and rules can be as simple as a kiss and butt smack when you get home from work to a bedroom preparation your lover goes through before you have sex. These concepts can help get you in or keep you in your dominant headspace.
4. Spoil each other
Buy him things he likes, from his favorite candy bar at the gas station to a random gift of his favorite album on vinyl. Or buy things you like to see her in, saying something like “I saw this and knew I had to see you in it.” You can purchase things for sex, whether it’s lingerie or something to rip off. Or things like a bottle of honey, with a note that says “I’m going to lick this off of you tonight”.
5. Groom each other
Whether it’s braiding your hair before playtime, shaving your face, or filing your lover’s nails, grooming one another is a way to demonstrate D/s affection and care without needing to be sexual.
Manhandle your sub during sex when you want to act dominant. Most women enjoy rough sex
, and many submissive women swoon during it. Manhandling can include things like randomly pinning her to the bed or wall. Making out in the kitchen and picking her up and putting her on the counter. When you’re playing, put a hand on your lover’s throat (be sure to talk about these things beforehand!). Pull her hair. Smack his ass. You get the picture.
7. Order, don’t ask
It’s not “Where do you want to go to dinner, babe?” It’s “I’m taking you out to dinner tonight. Pick a place.”
8. Allow your sub to feel little
Not as in unworthy, but as in tender. Like they need to be taken care of, not because they’re not capable, but because they feel safe enough that they can be that vulnerable. That they can give up that control and let down all the walls and still be okay. Because you’re there to take care of whatever happens. You be big, so they can be little.
9. Set goals for your sub
Things that would be good for them… education or meditation or whatever… As well as things that would be good for you… a sub wants to be the best they can be for their Sir. Some want to be molded to be what their dominant wants. That sounds like a whole lot of responsibility and can be, but it doesn’t have to be huge. It could be something like, “I want you to start working on your flexibility so that I can push your legs back further to see that beautiful pussy when I fuck you.”
10. Make them touch themself
Just sit back and enjoy the show.
11. Push their limits
Now this doesn’t mean do things they said no to, of course, but some subs like that gray area, where “maybe” tends to linger. Where they almost safe word but don’t. That’s where the magic “subspace” happens. Often this can come through just as much of a mind fuck as a physical fuck. And it’s definitely not for everyone.
12. Control their orgasms
Orgasm control can be a fun way to engage in some power exchange. Plus, it’s a great way to incorporate edging into your play time, building stronger and more responsive orgasms.
13. Play with sensations
Sensation play can include things like feather boas and silk scarves, as well as ice and hot wax. If you want to experiment with a little more intensity, try a Wartenberg wheel, nipple clamps, or even an electro-stim kit (don’t worry, it’s not as scary as it sounds).
14. Let your sub please you
Actually, demand it.
15. And then praise them for it
“Good girl,” works just fine for that.
16. Have them assume a posture
Have your submissive look the part by assuming a posture. What’s this look like? Maybe kneeling. Shoulders back and square. Hands resting on their thighs. Head bowed. Submissive and weak are not the same thing. It takes a strong person to trust someone as much as a submissive must, so don’t let them slump or act fearful.
17. Use dirty names
Some subs like being called dirty names in the bedroom. You can say things like “I love that you’re my slut.” Calling them yours, using that “my” lays claim, which subs like. They want to be yours, and, maybe more so, they want you to want them to be yours.
18. Request images
Text your sub mid-day and tell them they have 10 minutes to send you a picture of their pussy/cock/ass/tits/etc.
19. Let them rage against you
Obviously, with care. But many subs want to give up control and that can manifest in different ways. I’m not saying mock-rape, but more like a wrestling match fuck. Like if she pushes like she’s trying to get away, then pin her to the bed. There are lines here (which is why taking a dominant role holds a lot of responsibility
). Just make sure you have safe words in place before you start.
20. Take you pleasure from them
Yes, you want to give your sub pleasure, but don’t forget to take your pleasure from them. Use them. Grip their hips and move them against you, like they’re your masturbation tool. Many subs like to be used. So be assertive.
21. Groom each other
Whether you make him braid your hair before playtime, shave your face, or file your nails, grooming one another is a way to demonstrate affection and care without being sexual.
22. Mandate self-care
A good dominant wants the best for their submissive and sometimes that involves a little force of the hand. Many Doms mandate self-care, from exercise to meditation to masturbation, making sure their submissive is the best they can be.
23. Show concern for their safety
A good partner is always concerned for their partner’s safety, but it’s even more so in a D/s dynamic. A dominant must always be aware of risks to their bottom, especially if engaged in bondage or gagging or other types of kinky play. And not just during the act itself, but once it’s done in the form of aftercare.
24. Let them serve you
From packing lunch to running errands, some subs love nothing more than to serve their Dom. When they willingly give up their time to do these acts of service, it shows they care.
25. Practice empathy
Practice empathy both ways. It is not easy to be submissive, but it is also not easy to be dominant. It’s not easy to trust someone enough to hand over that type of power, and it’s not easy to be strong enough to take that power and wield it in a way that strengthens bonds, tests limits, brings pleasure, and deepens a relationship. So practice empathy with each other. Be gracious. Compassionate. Loving. And strive to remember that you each want nothing more than to grow deeper in love and lust.
Want to discuss D/s with your partner, but don’t know how? Download my Yes, No, Maybe list and start an open conversation today!