He knelt behind her, eyes feasting on the shape of her hips and ass, the glistening on her lips peeking out between her thighs. As he moved closer, his hand came down on her ass, twice in quick session. A low moan rumbled in her chest as she tried to move back against him. He gripped her flesh, fingertips digging into her skin. His other hand wrapped around his cock and stroked it as he plundged two fingers inot her wetness.

Mmm…. Rough sex.

It’s a turn-on for many of us, whether it’s the idea of spanking, of being held down, or maybe even tied up. Maybe you like to dominate. Or maybe you like to be submissive. Maybe you like to have hot, passionate sex where you’re both fighting for control.

Or maybe you’ve just read 50 Shades and want to see what’s all really about.

Well, you’ve come to the right place.

I’m here to cover the basics, explain the psychology, and help you figure out how to add some rough sex to your passion playground.

rough sex safe, sane, consensual

Safe. Sane. Consensual.

First things first. Before we can have any type of open and honest conversation about rough sex, we need to talk about consent. When you’re playing with power in the bedroom (and always), you need to make sure your partner’s onboard with what you’re doing.

The easiest and most effective way is to ensure that all your sexual play is safe, sane, and consensual.

Safe: Don’t do dumb shit. Stay safe. That means wear condoms. Use lube. Don’t hang people from their necks.

Sane: Again no dumb shit. Don’t play with guns. Don’t hit with a closed fist.

Consensual: The best way to ensure consent is to have a conversation about it. If you want to engage in some rough sex, talk to your partner. Ask them what they’d like to try. Just as important, ask them if there’s anything they definitely DON’T want to try (we call these limits).

As part of consent, I’m also going to encourage you to set up a safeword, a word that you and your partner can use that stops whatever activity immediately and without question. You may not think you need one, but you do. You never know if an activity may trigger something dark.

rough sex pinned to wall

Why Rough Sex?

Why are so many people drawn to rough sex? Well, first, because it’s fucking awesome. It’s passionate. It’s hot. Primal. It’s filled with an urgency that says, “I can’t control myself, I must devour you. I’ve got to have you and I’ve got to have you now.”

And take that a step further. When your partner’s being rough with you, it’s because she’s in a frenzy, a frenzy created by want and lust. For you. And that’s pretty damn hot, knowing that someone wants you like that.

It’s taboo (even though many of us are doing it). It gives you a feeling like you’re doing something a little naughty. A little bad.

Other reasons people enjoy it rough is because it helps them get out of their heads. Focus on the present. It may allow them to let go in ways that a more vanilla-variety of sex can’t. Or if they have guilt or shame surrounding sex, rough sex can help them experience what they want without these negative emotions, especially if it’s “forced.”

Then there are the facts of what rough sex does to the body and brain. It increases blood pressure and circulation, which ends up carrying more blood to your genitals. It also increases dopamine, which makes us feel good, and rough sex releases endorphins, which make us feel a little high.

Regardless of the reason, rough sex, in whatever form, is raw. It’s intense. And it is the physical representation of passion.

rough sex couple in bed

Where to Start with Rough Sex

When it comes to rough sex, you need to communicate with your lover, preferably outside of the bedroom. As uncomfortable as it sounds, have a conversation with them. If you’re not sure what to say, maybe send them this guide. Ask them to read it.

Once the subject is broached, talk about it. What turns you on? What do you think you’d like? And what do you think you wouldn’t like? What’s completely off the table (we call these hard limits)? And then ask your partner the same questions.

And then, after you’ve talked about it, get ready to play. Start slow, with some dirty talk or light restraint, and let the your fall carry you deeper into the rabbit hole.

Dirty talk.

One of the easiest ways to initiate some rough sex is by talking dirty. Tell them what you want. Harder. Faster. More. Be explicit in what you want: “Fuck me harder,” “Smack my ass,” “Wrap your hands around my neck.”You can whisper it in their ear or demand it with your voice. To help you gain confidence, read this: Your Guide to Talking Dirty.

rough sex I'll give you what you're afraid to ask for


Restraint is often a pinnacle of rough sex. It’s holding your lover to the bed. It’s wrapping your fingers in their hair. It can be as simple as a firm hand on your back during doggy style to as complex as intricate rope bondage.

Restraint allows for a power exchanged to occur, where one partner consensually gives some of their power to their partner. For the top, it’s a power trip. An aphrodisiac. It’s almost like getting high from it.

For the bottom, it’s a release of control. The ability to let go. To not have to think or make decisions. Just give in to the experience and be present in the moment of pleasure.

rough sex over the knee spanking

Impact play. Aka spanking.

If restraint is the pinnacle of rough sex, then impact play is the epicenter. Like the other aspects of rough sex, impact play has a range of levels from mild to what some may consider extreme. But when it comes to the favorite, most agree that it’s spanking. It doesn’t matter if it’s a few smacks while you’re fucking or over-the-knee discipline, there’s something sexy about the sound of a hand against a bare bottom.

When it comes to smacking ass, keep your hand open. Aim for the fleshy part of the bum, right above where the thigh and cheek meet. Start slow. And then increase in strength until you find the sweet spot. And be prepared, there’s a good chance your partner’s sweet spot may be way hander than you thought.

rough sex nails down back

s/M: Playing with pain.

One of the things that make rough sex so damn exciting is that it’s pleasure mixed with pain. Maybe it’s hair-pulling.. Or scratching your nails down his back. Gripping his ass nice and tight. It’s also things like nipple torture and biting. Tread slowly and experiment to find where the line between pleasure and pain.

Whatever it is that turns you on.

Like all sex, rough sex doesn’t have to fit in a box. You can enjoy it anyway that fits you and your lover. So explore. Inspire. Experiment. Find what feels good and go with it.

Who knows? Rough sex may soon become one of your favorite things.

rough sex aftercare

A Note on Aftercare

After engaging in rough play, check-in with your partner. Because these experiences are so intense, they may need some reassurance. Let them know how much you enjoyed it. Be specific. “Fuck, babe. That was amazing,” “Oh my god, honey. Did you see how hard I came when you grabbed my hair like that? It felt sooo good,” or even, “You were such a good girl.”

Be aware that sometimes rough sex can bring out emotions. The endorphins can leave you feeling off kilter and if your partner had some really strong orgasms, they may even cry. When you’re partner’s in this type of vulnerable state, give them some gentle touches. Whisper words of praise. Be affectionate.

And sometimes rough sex can trigger unwanted emotions. Maybe it brought up memories of past trauma. Maybe it stirred up feeling of guilt or shame for engaging in something taboo. When this happens, be supportive and reassuring. Remind them they’re safe. And that enjoying sex, even rough sex, is part of a healthy life. They have nothing to feel bad about.

Following Up

And then later, the next day, talk about what happened. About what worked and what didn’t. If things got a little touchy, don’t ignore it. Bring it up! What could have helped? What could stop it from happening the next time?

And then keep this conversation going. For the rest of your relationship.. Be open about sex. Communicate your needs. Listen to your partner’s needs.

And then fuck the shit out of each other.

Are you ready to talk about your wants and needs without holding back? Download my special report on the building blocks of communication for free when you sign up for my newsletter!

1 Comment

Vince · at

Loved this, and love the aftercare part too.


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