It’s not kink.
It’s not a man with an Alpha gene.
It’s trust. Pure and simple.
A dear friend of mine is struggling in her marriage. Recently separated, but still together, it’s almost painful to watch what they’re doing to each other.
Just the other day, we were talking and discussing how she needs him to “Dom up.” Their relationship has no aspect of BDSM to it, but she used this term because she knows me and knew it would resonate.
Now she didn’t necessarily mean that he should grab her by the hair, force her to her knees, and make her gag on his cock (although I don’t think she’d mind that). No.
She meant it in a more meaningful way.
She needs him to man up and take care of her and their life. She doesn’t want to completely let go, but she wants to know she’s taken care of.
She wants to know that when she can’t be strong, he can.
She understands that sometimes, she needs someone to put her in her place, instead of just going along with what she says to “keep the peace.” She needs a man that can take her by the hand and point out her errors in thinking. Someone who encourages her to make positive changes, and helps her deal with overcoming the negative.
And when she can’t do that, when she struggles, she needs a man who can make it happen, one way or another. A man who will do what needs to be done.
And I was thinking about this later that night. The problem with the man in her life is that even if he stepped up and started doing this things, it wouldn’t matter. She feels he has let her down so many times in the past, in too many ways, that
There is no more trust in their relationship.
Oh, she trusts that he’s not fucking around. She trusts that he loves her. But she doesn’t trust that he’ll be there for her or that he’ll follow through with what he says. And because these things have happened so often in the past, she struggles to let them go and move forward.
So even if he “Dom’s up,” it won’t fix the situation that they’re in. Because she doesn’t trust him. She doesn’t trust that he won’t drop the ball. She doesn’t trust him to keep his promises. And he doesn’t know what to do to make it better. And they’re stuck in this horrible cycle that just seems to continue and continue.
And right now, this friend is extremely vulnerable. Separated from the man she’s been with for the last 12 years, she wants nothing more than to move forward with him by her side, but how can she when there’s no trust? How can she when she fears letting down her guard, because every time she does, he lets her down?
It’s so important. On so many different levels.
I was thinking about this, not only in ‘normal’ relationships, but in aspects to kink and D/s.
There is no way a woman can ever truly be submissive unless she trusts the person towering over her. She must trust Him with her safety. With her body. And with her mind. Because these things are literally in the palm of His hand. He can damage her body. He can crush her psyche.
He can take her soul.
A woman must trust Him to make decisions that are in her best interest, even when she doesn’t like it. She must know that when He says something, she needs to obey, because He is always thinking about her and the relationship that binds them together. He may require things of her that she doesn’t want to do, but will do because of her submission. She must trust, always, that His actions serve a greater purpose. His purpose.
To be submissive, you must make yourself vulnerable. You’ve got to let go of the need to control. You’ve got to stop worrying about your own needs, and trust that your Sir will take care of them.
Because He will. Because that’s what a Dom does.
It takes a strong man to be a Sir.
Sorry for the random ramble. I’m just thinking out loud. Working out things in my head.
What do you think about trust? How do you move past this type of letdown? How do you let go of the pain and anger and be able to heal? Be able to trust in that one person again?
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