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Your Ultimate Guide on How to Have a Threesome

threesomes

Oh, the threesome.

We’ve all thought about it. Many of us have done it. Most of us fantasize about it (at least I do and I’m sure I’m not alone on that one). But how do they happen? How do you find someone to share your bed? And how the hell are you supposed to talk to your partner about it?

Don’t worry. I got you.

Here is your ultimate guide to threesomes. It covers talking to your partner about wanting a threesome, finding another person for your threesome, and  making sure everyone has a good time doing it.

So let’s start at the beginning. How do you know if you and your partner are ready for a threesome? These simple steps can help you decide if inviting someone else into your bed is the right thing to do.

Talk About Having a Threesome

If you think having a threesome is something you’d like to try, either now or in the future, be sure to bring it up and gauge your partner’s interest. Even if you know now is not the right time, if you know where your partner stands, when the opportunity does arise, you’ll know if there’s a possibility your partner would be down or if it’s a hard no.

Now, if you want to move forward with a threesome and start trying to put things into action, you should probably bring your partner in on that conversation. And I don’t just mean in bed, with your hands down each other’s pants. I mean a serious, meaningful conversation. When you’re not fucking and when you’re not drunk. Because it’s one thing to fantasize about something and think you want it to happen, but it’s something else completely to have it sprung on your out of nowhere in real life (I even wrote a 5-sentence story about it).

Here are some things to think about:

  • Is this just a fantasy you talk about in bed or is it something you really want to follow through with?
  • What kind of threesome are you interested in: FFM? MMF? FFF? MMM?
  • Who will the ideal third be: a friend, an acquaintance, a stranger?
  • Will it be planned out, or will you just wing it?
  • Are either of you bi or bi-curious or sexually fluid? If not, will you still play with the same-sex partner?

mmf threesomeIdentify Your Motivation for a Threesome

Obviously, threesomes are hot as hell. And fun af. But really get honest with yourself and check your motivations. Beyond some good sex, what are you looking for?

Maybe it turns you on to see your partner with another person.

Or maybe the woman in the cubicle next to you is really hot and you think you’d like to fuck her.

Or maybe you’re looking for something new to share with your partner.

It could be any number of things, but make sure you know WHY you want a threesome. Having a threesome because you want to fuck somebody else specific is probably not the best idea. But, depending on the situation, it could be a good thing, just make sure your partner knows your agenda and is okay with it. Consent. Consent. Consent.

Are you bored with your partner? Again, maybe not the best time to have a threesome.

Think you’re going to have a threesome to keep him from straying or to fix a fucked up relationship? Nope. Not gonna happen. Most likely going to make things worse.

In an awesome and amazing relationship and have a rocking sex life and want to explore and expand your sexual horizons? Yes. This is the ideal time to have a threesome.

Be Honest About Your Fears

If you’re having fears or concerns about having a threesome, talk to your partner about it. And if your partner comes to you with their own objections or concerns, listen without judgment and hear what they’re saying. Some of their concerns may look like this:

  • What if he like sex with her more than with me?
  • What if his cock is bigger than mine?
  • What if they fall in love?
  • What if I freak out in the middle and don’t want to continue?

Discuss these things openly and honestly. Reinforce your love and desire for one another. Talk. Talk. And then talk some more.

Both Partners Need to Be on Board

I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this, but I’m going to. You both must want to have a threesome. You can’t do it for him, and he can’t do it for you. Please don’t agree to a threesome you’re not comfortable with because you think it will please your partner. If either one of you is not 100 percent on board, it can fuck things up and cause insecurities to pop up all over the damn place.

You both must want it. And you must be able to compromise on how it’s going to happen, who with, and what the rules will be (yes, sometimes, there will be rules).

Trust One Another

Perhaps one of the most important things you need before going into a threesome with your partner is trust. You have got to trust one another. Completely. And you both need to be comfortable in your relationship. As it is right now. Not how it was last month, or where it’s going to be next year. But right now.

Believe me, a threesome will not fix your relationship. Again, a threesome will NOT fix your relationship. If you’re not in a good place as a couple, if there are commitment issues or jealousy issues or whatever, you need to work on those issues before you even think about having a threesome. Don’t bring someone in on an already fucked up situation. That’s not fair to anyone, including yourself.

ffm threesomeSet Realistic Threesome Expectations

As with anything in life, things rarely go as we plan. You may be thinking you’re going to invite this woman to your bed and you’re both going to fuck the shit of her. Your wife, on the other hand, thinks that she and this girl are going to kiss a little, maybe lick each other’s pussies, but doesn’t expect you to fuck her. If this is the case, and it’s not discussed before hand, there will be mixed emotions right in the middle of everything, and that’s the last thing you want to happen.

Discuss what limits need to be set beforehand so no one crosses any lines. And so everyone knows where those lines are. You may think your partner is comfortable with anything, only to find out he’s freaked out that you may expect him to touch another man’s penis.

Be Prepared for Unexpected Emotions

No matter how ready you think you are to see your lover give or receive sexual pleasure with another person, you don’t always know how you’ll respond until you’re in that situation. And what you may think happens during a threesome, isn’t always how it plays out.

There will be times when it isn’t everyone touching everyone. When there are two people fucking (sucking, licking, kissing, etc), while the other person’s not directly involved as a primary member of the action. Just don’t get caught up in that action and leave that person out for too long.

A good rule of thumb is to make sure each person takes a turn as the center of attention at least once, where they can lay back and experience the joy of two people giving them pleasure.

Watch for Insecurities and Jealousy

Be prepared for a little insecurity. Hopefully it doesn’t happen, but it may. Right now, you think you’ll be fine watching your girl get slammed by another dude. You’ve talked about it. You’ve fantasized about it. Hell, you’ve beaten off to it.

But then, there you are. You’re watching. She crawls across the bed toward him. You can see the moisture glistening on her pussy lips. She’s so wet. She reaches him, pulls down his zipper. Pulls out his cock.

“Oh my god” she says, “Your cock is huge.” You glance around, trying to catch a peek of his cock as she wraps her lips around it, and you notice it is pretty big. Huge, in fact. And thick. And so damn hard.

You look down and begin to wonder how you compare.

Just be aware, especially the first time. Words like big, huge, tight, they may make your partner insecure. So if you’re commenting that this new woman’s pussy is so damn tight, your woman may start thinking, “If her pussy feels that tight, then she must be tighter than me. If she’s tighter than me, will he enjoy her pussy more than mine? And if he enjoys her more than me…”

Also, men, you may experience some performance anxiety here. Again, hopefully not. But it may happen. So check out this post on how to handle performance anxiety to make sure stress doesn’t get the better of you.

Discuss if There’s a Need for Rules

Ask your partner if there are things they would like off limits during a threesome. This can be as simple as no penetration or no anal sex, or as specific as it can’t be that cute blonde in the cubicle next to you. The point is, talk about it and set clear boundaries.

Again, consent, consent, consent.

Here are some ways to improve communication both before and during the act:

  • If you have things you don’t want your partner to do, please, please, please tell them. That’s the only way they’ll know!
  • During the threesome, check in with both of the other people and do it often. A simple, “You doing okay?” is all you need to let the other person know you want to make sure they’re having a good time.
  • If you think your partner will need reassurance during the threesome, set a “check in” sign, something like touching an elbow. And then know every time she touches your elbow, she’s checking to make sure that everything is okay.
  • Some couples may want to set a safe word that all three of you are aware of. And then if anyone gets uncomfortable, if anyone wants it to stop, just say the word and it’s over. No questions asked. “Red” is always an easy one. As is “safe word.” Become comfortable with the idea of a safe word, because it can lower the stress that you or your lovers may experience.

three in bedFinding a Third for Your Threesome

There are multiple ways to go about finding a third. Maybe you already have someone in mind. Maybe you want it to be a stranger. Or maybe you’d prefer to just pick someone up at the bar. However you want to do it, there are things to think about because, no matter who, there’s going to be positives and negatives to each option.

Threesome with Friends

This is often the first thing that people think of. And it can work. But you have to be careful. And there are many things you should consider:

  • Is it a one time thing, or, if it goes well, is it something you would like to occur relatively often?
  • Are you going to be able to sit over coffee with this person later, while you watch your kids have a play date?
  • Are you going to picture her with her lips wrapped around your man’s cock every time you see her? If so, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
  • And what if it sucks and there’s no chemistry, how are you going to handle that?
  • If it does suck, but she thought it was great, and wants to do it again, how are you going to tell her that you don’t want to without hurting her feelings?
  • Can you trust your partner with this person in the future?

Most importantly, are you willing to risk your friendship with this person to have sex with them?

Because sometimes, it can happen. Threesomes can ruin friendships. And they can also make them even stronger. But it’s a risk. And you need to make sure it’s a risk you’re willing to take. Or that your friendship is strong enough to withstand the storm that could happen.

Sex with Strangers

This can be sexy, but it’s also a little more risky, so proceed with caution. You can find a stranger by going out and trying to pick someone up. But if that’s your plan, be prepared to put some time in. It may take awhile for the stars to align and everything to fall into place.

You can increase your chance of randomly finding someone for your threesome by going to a swingers club, which any decent sized city has. Even if you’re only thinking about it, a swingers club shows you more about the sharing (or poly) lifestyle, without having to jump right in. At a club, there’s no obligation to do any playing, only to respect one another and other couples. A good place to start is Swing Life Style, which allows you to search people, clubs, and events near you.

Use Technology

You can also use the wide range of hookup sites and apps. From Adult Friend Finder to Feelder to 3Somer (which is sadly Apple only), there are plenty of web-based options to choose from. I recommend doing a Google search, as there are way more available.

In full disclosure, I’ve never used any of the apps. And while I’ve browsed the sites, and once went on one date I set up through AFF, I’ve never actually used any of hook-up sites for threesomes. Every threesome I’ve had, and I suppose I’ve had my fair share, has been with friends.

threesome tshirtLet Folks Know You’re into Threesomes

The easiest and most likely way to have a threesome is to let people know you and your partner are into threesomes. However you feel like doing that. Bringing it up to friends. Leaving a swinging magazine in your bathroom. Maybe find a poly-shirt and wear it when you go out.

That may sound unrealistic to many of you, and I get it. Seriously, I’m a woman using my real name talking about having threesomes on a blog that people I know in real life read. It can be a little nerve wracking.

But that doesn’t make it not true. If you don’t hide the fact that you’re into having threesomes, then other people who are also into it can approach you instead of putting all the pressure on you to approach them.

Plus fuck the people who judge you. They don’t matter.

The Elusive Unicorn

In the poly world, single women who have sex with couples are called unicorns. I once had a reader ask me why and I was surprised he didn’t know. These women are called unicorns because they’re precious and rare.

So that means if you’re going through a site or club, don’t assume one is just going to fall in your lap. Unicorns get hit on All. The. Time.

So maybe take a different approach. Make her feel special. Woo her. Make her want to come home with you.

And if you’re lucky enough to get a unicorn between your sheets, make sure she gets some attention from both of you. Make her cum. A lot. Kiss her and love on her and make it just as enjoyable for her as it is for you. And please, please, please, don’t treat her as a prop. Don’t treat her like she’s a sex toy there just to fulfill your fantasy.

Because she’s not.

And that’s not why she’s there. She’s there to enjoy sex with a man and a woman and get some damn pleasure. So give it to her.

Threesomes and Safe Sex

Remember to protect yourself. If you’re hooking up with someone who plays a lot, they probably get STD tested regularly, but don’t assume as much. Make sure you talk about it and if you require testing, be expected to show your own test results as well.

If you’re embarrassed to go to a clinic or ask your physician for an STD test, don’t be. It’s a sign of being a responsible adult. And you won’t be the first person to come to them about STD testing. But if this is a barrier you can’t overcome, check out at home testing. I’m a fan of Ash, but there are plenty of other options as well.

Use protection. Always in casual sex. And don’t switch back and forth between partners without changing condoms. You want special memories from this night, not an itchy crotch and a dose of penicillin.

Preparing for the Main Event

If you’ve preplanned a threesome, make sure you’re prepared before everyone arrives. Have things you may need throughout the night, including lube, condoms, toys, dental dams, and whatever else you may want to play with.

You’ll need to decide when and where to meet to get the evening started. And once COVID ends, there will be many options to consider, depending on your idea of what the overall feel of the night should be.
  • Restaurant. Dinner is always an option, but it will make it feel more like a date, not just fucking. Either is fine, depending on your preference. If you’re looking for solely sex, than dinner may not be the best bet. But if you are looking to woo your third, than this is a great way to start.
  • Club or Bar. This allows you to mingle a bit. Have a few drinks (and just a FEW… like two or three, no more) and relax into each others’ company. Again, this will make the night a little more of a date, but not as much as going out to dinner.
  • Bedroom. Which could be at your home or at a hotel. Doing it this way leaves no impression that the night is about anything other than sex. Pure and simple, raw, hot sex.

mmf in actionThe Main Event

There are many ways to start a threesome, but the easiest, and dare I say my favorite, is simply by kissing. It doesn’t matter who. And it doesn’t really matter where. But when y’all know that it’s going to go down, it only takes a spark to get things moving.

And, can I just say, first kisses are sexy af.

There are all sorts of advice on who should be the focus of the threesome. Some say you should make the woman in the relationship the focus of the party, as this will keep her from feeling jealous and rejected. Others say you should make the third the main receiver, as she or he is the one making it happen for you.

I say fuck all that and mix it up. In a good threesome, every person is the focus of attention at some point. Or five points. Or 10 if you’re fucking all night. Let each person lay back, relax, and get to have two people fawning over them, making them cum.

There will be times that the main event only really requires two people. That means that there will be moments when one of you has to take a back seat. Now, that doesn’t mean you can’t be involved, it’s just you won’t be a main player.

When this happens, there are multiple ways you can entertain yourself. My favorite is to sit back and enjoy the show. You’re there for a reason, to enjoy a threesome. To share another person with your partner. So watch. Touch yourself. And get some images to fill your spank bank.

You can also just kiss and touch. No matter what positions and activities are going on, there’s always a body part you can touch, kiss, or lick.

Sometimes, there will be times when things become a little awkward. Just remember to laugh and move on.

And have some fucking fun people!! Some of my most enjoyable times in bed involved more than one person, so try to remember, it’s supposed to be fun!

After a Threesome

It’s done. The sex is over. You’re all exhausted. Sore. Sated and satisfied. Now what?

Decide beforehand where everyone’s sleeping. Is your third spending the night? Or is he going home? If she does stay, is everyone going to be comfortable in the morning? Will you go for another round (morning wood, anybody)? Talk about it before things get underway, as it eliminates the weirdness later.

At some point, consider thanking your third. If it was a woman, perhaps send her flowers with a nice little note, letting her know that you enjoyed your time together. If you want another go, this may increase your chances.

And then, once you’re alone again, check in with your partner. What did they think? Did they enjoy it? Did they have fun? What could’ve been better or done differently? What turned you on the most?

Did they experience any unexpected emotions? Jealousy? Excitement?

There’s no such thing as talking about it too much. Especially if it turned you both on. And let me tell you, I’ve had threesomes that have turned my partner and me on so much, that we could not only keep our hands off of each other, but we couldn’t stop talking about it and reminiscing.

So there you go, folks. Molly’s Ultimate Guide to Threesomes. I hope you enjoyed it. And I hope it’s helpful.

As always, don’t hesitate to hit me up with questions. You can comment below or email me at molly@yourbestsexualself.com.

Comments (2)

  1. I almost had one…the other girl just wanted to watch. But in my adult married life, I feel like nothing but insecurity would ensue. Probably for both of us…I don’t even have to desire to have one but if I did, it would be with two women I’m not married to…hypothetically

    • If there’s any risk of insecurity, any risk of hurting your primary relationship, then it’s not worth it. And that’s okay. It’s good to know such things. Knowledge is half the battle, after all.

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