Reader Question: I’ve started to talk dirty to my wife… What do I do next?

I have been married for 30 years. I started to talk dirty a little bit to my wife in bed, thanks to your guide, and she’s starting to come out of her shell.  So far, I’ve primarily just used words like fuck, dick, and pussy. But now what do I do?

Thanks for the great question! And it is a good one.

But before we get started with the answer, I want to congratulate you for taking the steps to introduce something new. For taking a chance and trying to make your relationship better. And for having the guts to create the sex life you want.

Talk Dirty Tip #1: Be enthusiastic

Now, to get down to business. My first piece of general advice is to show enthusiasm. In everything your lover does in the bedroom, but in this case, when you talk dirty to her. And when she talks back to you. Make sure she knows that you like it and that you like it a lot. Tell her it turns you on when she talks to you. Show her how it turns you on.

While it sounds ridiculous, she may believe that you’ll think badly of her if she enjoys it too much or says something too crass.

Talk Dirty Tip #2: It doesn’t have to be dirty words

• I want to watch you cum.
• Please touch me.
• Use me.
• Do you like it when I touch you here? What about here?
• Don’t stop.
• Good girl.
• Take me.
• Touch yourself for me.

And then there are some of the most erotic and arousing words a lover can hear, “I’m cumming.”

Talk Dirty Tip #2: Take it out of the bedroom

While dirty talk is great to keep things hot and heavy in the bedroom, it’s also a fantastic tool for building sexual tension outside of the bedroom. So use those dirty words when she’s least expecting it. Whisper in her ear in the morning about how great her pussy felt the night before. Or when you get home from work, and place that chaste kiss on her cheek, be sure to tell her how you’ve thought about fucking her all damn day.

If you’re looking for more ways to get her engaged, sexting is where it’s at. It’s easy. And once you the hang of it, it’s pretty damn fun. Start with some flirty texts. Things like, “Just wanted to let you know you’re on my mind.” Or “Can’t wait to see you after class.” Or “I keep thinking of you in those red panties…”

Once the conversation’s started, you take it deeper. “I can’t wait to fuck you.” Or “I want to make you scream tonight.” Or “I want to lick your pussy for hours.”

Or, if the graphic isn’t working for you, consider telling her a story. Of what you want to do. Or make a suggestion. “I was thinking that I’d start the night by giving you a massage. And then kissing my way down your body.”

Talk Dirty Tip #3: Let technology help

If you’re really struggling, I’d recommend using the Slutbot through Juiceboxit. It’s basically an interactive messenger bot that coaches you through sexting.

The slutbot offers both male and female characters, as well as different levels of heat. I love it and play with it often when I’m bored. Plus, it’s free. So why the hell not give it a try?! It’s seriously one of my favorite sex tech concepts and I think, for those who struggle in this area, the slutbot can be really useful (if any of y’all try it, let me know what you think!).

Talk Dirty Tip #4: When in doubt, think past, present, and future

In the heat of passionate sex, it can be hard to remember what you’re “supposed” to say. So if you find yourself at a loss, but looking for some sweet nothings to turn her on, fall back on the past, present, and future.

PAST. Recall what happened, “You fucked me so hard, I couldn’t think straight.” Talk about something that turned you on or that you really enjoyed. “Last night, when you lick my taint like that, oh, my, god, I almost came right then.” Or even reminisce, “You looked amazing in those stockings and garter.”

PRESENT. Talk about what’s happening in the moment, “It feels so good when you kiss me right there.” Or tell your partner what you want in the moment. “Drop to your knees and open your mouth.” You can even use this in fantasy play. “And I kiss you here. While she kisses you there.”

FUTURE. Tell your partner what you want to do to them. “I can’t wait to taste your pussy.” Seduce them with your words. “When we get home, I’m going to stripe you down, piece by piece. Then fuck your brains out.” Or, again, use it share fantasies. “And then you’d tie my hands behind my back and use the hairbrush to smack my ass.”

Talk Dirty Tip #5: It’s all in the name

Whether it’s role play or pet names, having something you call each other during bedroom play can make the experience all that much better. When she drops a “Yes, Sir,” causally during a dinner party, knowing damn well that’s what she calls you when she’s withering beneath you, I can almost guarantee it will make your cock stir.

In that same way, if you call her “lover” in bed, you can whisper that in her ear at the grocery store, as in, “That chocolate syrup should would taste good off your breasts, lover. Why don’t you put it in the cart?” And watch her flush.

Do you have some tips for talking dirty? Drop them in the comments below!

And if you ever have a question about sex or relationships, don’t hesitate to email it to me at molly@yourbestsexualself.com.