Today’s video discusses two common BDSM principles:

  • Safe, sane, and consensual
  • Safe words

Watch the video to see how applying these two kinky concepts to a traditional vanilla relationship can make a world of difference in how you communicate and trust one another.

If you’d rather read than watch, don’t worry. I got you! But maybe head over to YT and like my channel anyway. Once we get to 100 subscribers, I’ll hold a giveaway!

Here are the basics of what I discuss in the video.

BDSM Principles of Safe, Sane, & Consensual

BDSM practitioners hold the philosophy that all actions in BDSM need to be safe, sane, and consensual. What’s that mean?

  • SAFE: You’re not going to choke your partner to the point of passing out or tie a rope around their neck, even if they like playing with bondage (and always keep a pair of scissors handy, no matter what, when you’re playing with rope).
  • SANE: Don’t do anything too stupid. No gun play. No knives in pussies. Don’t do anything that doesn’t sound sane. Seriously, it gives the rest of us a bad name.
  • CONSENSUAL: Consent is huge in BDSM, and stretches beyond, “You have my permission for sex.” In BDSM, we often have discussions with our partners and potential partners about what we specifically consent to and what we don’t, from spanking to anal sex to threesomes. A discussion of limits occurs and each person goes into the relationship with a clear idea of what their partner is okay with and they’re not. Some people literally work through a checklist with their partner, discussing each line in detail, as far as what’s okay and what’s not.

Now imagine applying these principles to a traditional, monogamous relationship. Imagine sitting down with a potential partner, before you become intimate, and discussing what you are willing to do and not willing to do.

Amazing, right? Like, why aren’t couples already doing this?!? Where’s the checklist for those who aren’t kinky?

But I want to take it a step further. Take the idea of consent beyond sex. Take it to how you talk about your partner to others. How you talk to each other when you fight. About what kind of behavior is acceptable to you and what isn’t.

Suddenly, communication is clear and concise and the gray area shrinks to a minimum.

Pretty cool, amiright?

Applying BDSM Safe Words

Another BDSM principle that can be applied to traditional relationships is the idea of safe words.

Now, y’all know about safe words (thank you EL James). They’re words used to tell your partner to stop what they’re doing. Safe words withdraw your consent because you’re not okay. You may or may not be okay in a few minutes, but in the moment, you need everything to stop and you need your partner to touch base with you.

My Hubby and I, we have safe words in place. We use a yellow and red system. Red means stop now. I’m not okay. We need to check in. Yellow means proceed with caution. I’m okay, but I’m not sure if I’m going to stay okay. I’m unsure about what’s going on and may need some reassurance.

I’ve never safe worded during sex.

Not once (but if you have or do, that’s totally normal and okay).

But I’ve safe worded twice in real life, outside of the bedroom.

Once with yellow, when He was holding me down and tickling me, thinking we were having fun. But I hate being tickled. And was feeling very panicky. And needed Him to proceed with caution.

I also safe worded once with red. In the middle of a fight. An ugly fight. You know the kind I’m talking about. Words were said and I wasn’t okay. I called red and everything stopped. He checked in with me. With care and compassion. The issues we were fighting about were set aside because right in that moment, I needed Him more than we needed to fight.

Now imagine applying that concept to your relationship. Imagine you and your partner having the ability to say that they’re not okay, no matter what the situation.

Again, why aren’t people already doing this?!

It makes sense. These BDSM principles allow us to talk to each other in a way that’s open and honest and in the moment.

Yet no one does it.

But I want you to think about it, dear reader. I want you to think about it. And maybe even talk to your partner about it. I want you to seriously consider adding these things to your communication tool box and using them when necessary.

How can it hurt?


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