One of the problems I hear again and again from couples is that in many relationships, it’s primarily left to one partner to initiate sex. And if that partner didn’t come on to the other, sex would basically never happen.

Although this is not solely a cis-hetero problem, it is not uncommon in cis-hetero relationships. And although it manifests in different ways, it’s often the man who’s more likely to initiate sex and the woman who’s not. That’s not always the dynamic, but it’s the most common.

So, to help the ladies out, that’s what this video discusses!

Before you start initiating sex, you should talk to your partner and ask how they’d like you to hit on them. Do they have a preference? Would they like you to be coy? Or straight up? Do they want you to use your words or your body? If you don’t know where to start, download my Yes, No, Maybe Activities List to spur the conversation.

Know how they’d like you to come on to them reduces your anxiety because you know they’re more likely to respond in a positive manner!

Just ask “Wanna fuck?”

Seriously. This is the number one answer men give me when I ask different ways they’d like their partner to come on to them. The number one answer. Just say, “Wanna fuck?”

There’s a good chance he’s going to say yes.

Be seductive.

“I don’t like to be seduced,” said no one ever. So be seductive. But if you’re coming on to a person with a penis, be obviously seductive. I hear from a decent percentage of women that they try to come on to their husbands, but their husbands never pick up on it.

So don’t just flirt. Don’t just be coy. Hit on him and hit on him hard. Leave no doubt in his mind that you want to fuck the shit out of him and you want to do it right now.

initiate sex lingerie

Wear some lingerie.

Struggling to find the words that would allow you to initiate sex? Here’s a solution. Put on some sexy lingerie, something that makes you feel hot or cute or whatever it is you like to feel. And simply allow yourself to be seen. Walk in front of him. Pour him a glass of milk and bring it to him. Sit on his damn lap.

You don’t have to say a word. He’ll get the picture.


All day, every day. Flirt in the morning by playing footsie under the table during breakfast. Send flirty texts over your lunchbreak. Make eyes across the room at a dinner party.

Flirting with your partner helps keep your arousal levels up and you both just a little excited. And once you’re in that state, it’s so much easier to initiate sex. Sometimes all you have to do is kick that flirting up a notch or two, and you’ll be making out in the garage, trying to squeeze in a quickie without getting interrupted by the kids.

Leave a sex toy out.

Here’s another method to initiate sex with few words. Leave a sex toy out somewhere in your bedroom. Make sure your partner can’t miss it. Put it in the middle of the damn bed if you must!

And when they mention it, say something like, “I was cleaning out my nightstand and came across that. I thought we could use it tonight.” Simple. Easy. Done.

Take turns.

I’m a big fan of scheduled sex. For many, many reasons. So if you already have a sex routine that’s pretty regular or you’ve talked to your partner about your desire to have more sex, then now is the perfect time to start scheduling sex.

Then rotate turns initiating. Your partner already knows to anticipate sex, so they’re already receptive and tuned into the idea that you’re going to come on to them. That can take away some of the anxiety and help give you the bedroom confidence you need.


Sexting. It’s just extreme flirting without having to be face to face. You don’t have to actually sext if you don’t want to (but you totally can), but texting your partner provocative things is another easy way to initiate sex when you struggle. It’s much easier to be brave when you’re not standing in front of them.

So text your lover and tell them you want to feel their hands on you. That you’ve been thinking of them all day. Too much? Then mention a previous love making that was absolutely delicious. “Remember that time at Tim’s wedding, when we left to get cigarettes, and you bent me over the hood of the car and fucked me on that back road. I’ve been thinking about it all day.” Then, a moment later, “What do ya say we try to reenact that tonight?”

woman near car

Image by Jan Vašek from Pixabay

Touch them.

When I survey my audience, one of the things some men tell me (never women) is that they’d like their partner to just come touch them when they want sex. Some say they’d be totally okay with their wife just walked over and grabbing their cock or even pulled it out (an example of why we should talk to our partners about how they like to get hit on).

If that seems like too much for you, then start with a touch on the ass when you walk by. Or a neck rub after dinner. Or, better yet, a body massage before bed.

Initiate morning sex.

Morning sex gives you another opportunity to initiate sex without having to say a word. I mean, you’re both in bed. You’re likely not overly dressed. Good chance he’s got morning wood.

So spoon up. Kiss on their neck. Run your hand down their chest as you grind up on their ass. Both men and women’s testosterone levels tend to be the highest in the morning, so take advantage of that natural libido boost with a morningasm.

Use a code word.

Opting for a code word for initiating sex can serve two purposes. The first, it allows you to talk about sex in a nonsexual way. And in a way that no one else knows you’re talking about sex. Say your code word is “excursion.” At dinner with the family, you can look over and say something like, “I’m going to on an excursion tonight. Wanna come along?”

If you’re really shy and you really struggle to initiate sex, then use a code word to let your partner know that you’re in the mood. “I was thinking an excursion may be fun” informs your partner that you do want to have sex and if they want, they can hit on you and you’d be receptive.

It’s not necessarily initiating sex, but it’s initiating the initiating and it’s a place to start.

So there you have it, friend. Ten easy ways you can initiate sex tonight. Don’t over think it. It may feel like a huge deal, but, I promise, once you do it a few times, it’ll be like riding a bike. Soon, you’ll be able to do it without a worry!


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